The Stories We Tell Ourselves

How to Meet Your Inner Narrative with Curiosity and Self-Compassion

There is a voice inside your head that has an opinion about everything. It comments on your performance in meetings, speculates about what your colleague meant by that short reply, and rehearses conversations you’re yet to have. It catalogues your mistakes and, sometimes, it tells you that you are not enough – not capable enough, not likeable enough, not doing enough.

Most of us have learned to take that voice at its word. But what if it’s not as reliable as it feels? These stories we tell ourselves shape how we feel, how we show up at work, and how we relate to others. Because guess what? Our thoughts are not facts.

This article explores the science of why our minds generate these narratives, why we believe them so readily, and how two deceptively simple qualities – curiosity and self-compassion – can change our relationship with the stories we tell ourselves. Not by silencing the voice, but by learning to listen to it differently. You’ll walk away with practical, research-backed tools to notice your inner narrative and gently reshape it.

Background and Context: Why We Believe Our Inner Stories

1. The Brain Is a Meaning-Making Machine

Our brains are wired to interpret and predict. According to research in cognitive psychology, humans constantly construct narratives to make sense of uncertainty and reduce ambiguity (Bruner, 1991). This storytelling function helps us survive – but it can also distort reality.

When something happens – a colleague doesn’t reply to your email, you receive constructive feedback – your brain fills in the gaps. Often instantly.

This is influenced by:

• Cognitive biases (e.g., confirmation bias)
• Past experiences
• Attachment patterns
• Core beliefs about ourselves

Over time, repeated thoughts form neural pathways. Neuroplasticity research shows that frequently used thought patterns become more automatic (Doidge, 2007). The more we think a story, the more believable it feels.

2. The Negativity Bias

Humans are evolutionarily wired to scan for threat. Research by Rick Hanson highlights that negative experiences “stick” in the brain more readily than positive ones. This negativity bias means we’re more likely to create self-protective stories such as:

• “If I don’t push myself harder, I’ll fail.”
• “If I speak up, I’ll be judged.”
• “If I rest, I’ll fall behind.”

These stories often begin as strategies for safety. The problem is they can quietly become identity statements.

3. The Cost of Self-Criticism

Many of us believe harsh self-talk keeps us motivated. However, research by Kristin Neff shows the opposite: self-compassion is associated with greater resilience, motivation, and emotional wellbeing (Neff, 2003).

Self-criticism activates the brain’s threat system – raising cortisol and increasing stress. Self-compassion activates the soothing system, supporting emotional regulation and clearer thinking.

Challenges and Implications: When Stories Run on Autopilot

Unchecked inner narratives can impact:

• Mental Health: Persistent negative self-stories are linked to anxiety and depression (Beck’s cognitive model).

• Workplace Performance: Stories like “I can’t do that” can limit innovation, collaboration, and confidence.

• Relationships: Assumptions such as “They don’t care” can lead to withdrawal or defensiveness.

The most challenging part? These stories often operate below conscious awareness. They feel like truth rather than interpretation.

This is where mindful moments become powerful.

Practical Insights and Solutions: Challenging Stories with Curiosity and Self-Compassion

Curiosity and self-compassion give us a pause between stimulus and response. That pause is where change happens.

Here’s how to apply this in everyday life:

Step 1: Notice the Story (Awareness)

Mindfulness is defined as paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, without judgment (Kabat-Zinn, 1994).

Start with awareness:

• What just happened?
• What story am I telling myself about it?
• What emotion is attached?

Example:

Event: My manager asked to “have a quick chat.”
Story: “I’ve done something wrong.”
Emotion: Anxiety.

Simply naming the story reduces its intensity. Neuroscience research suggests that affect labelling can calm the amygdala (Lieberman et al., 2007).

Mindful micro-practice:
Pause. Take one slow breath all the way out. Say internally: “I’m noticing the story that…”

Step 2: Get Curious (Cognitive Flexibility)

Curiosity shifts us from certainty to possibility.

Ask:

• Is this fact or interpretation?
• What evidence supports this story?
• What evidence challenges it?
• What might be another explanation?

Curiosity widens perspective. It interrupts cognitive distortions like mind-reading or catastrophising.

You’re not forcing positivity – you’re expanding options.

Step 3: Add Self-Compassion (Kindness Over Criticism)

Self-compassion includes three elements (Neff, 2003):

1. Mindfulness – noticing suffering.
2. Common humanity – remembering you’re not alone.
3. Self-kindness – responding with warmth.

Try reframing:

Instead of:

“I shouldn’t feel this way.”

Try:

“This is hard right now. Many people would feel this way. What do I need?”

Research shows self-compassion increases emotional resilience and reduces rumination.

Step 4: Rewrite the Story (Aligned and Balanced Thinking)

After awareness, curiosity, and compassion, you can craft a more balanced narrative.

Example:

Old story:

“I’m terrible at presentations.”

Balanced story:

“I felt nervous in that presentation. There were parts that went well, and I can improve with practice.”

Notice this isn’t blind optimism. It’s grounded and realistic.

Step 5: Build a Daily Mindful Moment Habit

Rewriting stories isn’t a one-time task. It’s a practice.

Consider:

• A 2-minute morning check-in: What story am I bringing into today?
• A reflective question after challenges: What else could be true?
• A self-compassion break during stressful moments.

Small mindful moments accumulate. Neuroplasticity works both ways – the more you practise compassionate awareness, the more natural it becomes.

Conclusion: You Are the Author, Not the Story

The stories we tell ourselves shape our identity, behaviour, and wellbeing. Many of them began as protective strategies – but not all of them still serve us.

Mindful moments create space.
Curiosity opens possibility.
Self-compassion builds resilience.

When you notice your inner narrator with kindness instead of judgment, you step out of autopilot and into choice.

You are not your thoughts.
You are the one who can observe – and gently rewrite – them.

Call to Action: A 5-Day Mindful Story Challenge

Over the next week, try this:

Day 1–2: Notice one recurring self-story. Write it down.
Day 3: Question it. What evidence supports and challenges it?
Day 4: Practise one self-compassion statement.
Day 5: Rewrite the story in a balanced, empowering way.

Reflect:

• How did your body feel when you shifted the narrative?
• What changed in your behaviour?

Small shifts in awareness can lead to meaningful changes in wellbeing.

If you’d like to deepen this practice, consider incorporating brief daily mindfulness exercises or joining a workplace wellbeing session focused on mindful self-compassion.

Your mind will always create stories.
The question is: Are they helping you flourish?